no fun

i have a confession...
i've been cheating on our blog...
with facebook!

there...i've said it. whew. there is something (for me at least) about being able to see what people are up to, what they are thinking, what's going on in the world, etc. it's some adult interaction without having to leave my house, which is next to impossible these days.

i've been feeling very trapped and out of control lately.
i feel trapped in my house, the number of kids (and their age range) i'm watching prevents me from leaving, jim and i share a car (so even if i can leave, i can't leave very far), i've been applying for jobs, but no one seems to want me, our financial situation is scary at best. i am so completely frustrated right now that i could scream...for days.

the worst part is - i'm not entirely sure what i want. i have ideas. inklings. but i can't say with absolute certainty "THIS is what i want to do when i grow up". and it sucks that i am so wishy-washy indecisive. and what i think i want...it's not feasible right now. and it makes me a little sad.

i know that i have much to be thankful for, and i so am. my situation could be so much worse. sometimes i feel guilty for being so unhappy.

i still feel like SOMETHING good is around the corner. i hope it's soon...i can't hold out much longer. :)

p.s. in case you were wondering, we did get a new car. a beautiful, red vw jetta, that we named "habanero". i don't know how to do the fancy thing over the "n". and yes, we name all our cars. that was something i brought into our marriage...