small snafoo

i have a problem. and on the surface, it's normal.
but deep in the layers, it scares me...

i don't want to get rid of eli's beep (pacifier).
now, i have several good excuses for it - he gets cranky,
he is only two, he's teething, etc.

but deep down, it's because i can't let go.
eli is supposed to be the last child.
my last baby.

and deep down, i don't have peace with that.
now, don't get your knickers in a knot, i'm not pregnant,
and not even thinking about getting pregnant.
i just can't let that part of me go yet.

i don't want to sound selfish - i have THREE BEAUTIFUL BOYS (and one in heaven).
am i just afraid of letting go? getting older? do i just have to try for that girl?
i don't have the answers yet.
but i'm looking.